Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
January 3, 2009 · By Humor Editor
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he’s carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you’re drunk.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let’em go, because, man, they’re gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words “mank”and “ind.” What do these words mean? It’s a mystery and that’s why so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that’s like a regular window.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not real mean to poor people, like now.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with wooden stakes.
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname “Fly Head.”Normally you would think that “Fly Head” would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean “having a head like a fly”? I’m afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat.” It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
These were really good thoughts i used them for about a week in Face Book need new ones hook me up!