Subliminal Messages

Subliminal Messages

A Parody: This parody is interspersed with subliminal messages. The title of this subliminal parody is “Subliminal :::a::: :::dead::: :::giveaway,::: :::dontcha::: :::think?::: Messages”. Any text :::subliminally::: displayed in :::this::: :::style::: :::format::: is a subliminal message.

(LSW circa August 1996) I can’t believe I have fallen victim to this heinous deficiency.  Me, the :::dysfunctional::: disciplined one, the one who has policies for everything, rules for my policies, anticipatory procedures for prospective dilemmas and exceptions to all of the above!

Once upon a time, I was a responsible homemaker. Then came the Internet and that’s when it all :::started::: :::long::: :::before::: :::that::: began…

No, folks, this is NOT another addiction story! I’ve written enough of those stories to convince you all that I really do have a :::major::: slight problem. Okay, I confess to somewhat compulsive behavior, but really, :::certainly::: :::not::: :::me::: is anyone perfect?

I got a brainstorm way back in June, 1996, just one month after I obtained my first email account. I thought it’d be fun to have my very own website so I could :::show::: :::off::: display the stories I’ve written.

I didn’t even know the first thing about the wide world web! The Internet was awesome to me, but I just couldn’t quite grasp its concept. I wanted to explore it, crawl inside it, but didn’t know why :::it::: :::was::: :::infinite?::: I felt that way.

So I embarked on my new campaign. I needed to learn about this thing they call the world wide web. I was so :::clueless::: overwhelmed with it all and I complained a wee bit at first because there was so much to learn! What a fascinating subject and I was very anxious to explore all that I could!!  My enthusiasm was showing! Then I had a :::braindead::: brainstorm as to what I would put up there, wherever there happened to be!

I :::compulsively::: had to get online constantly and work like crazy to ensure that the index page and my stories were laid out attractively.

I had to learn simple html code and test each link to to be sure they all went where I directed them to. I had to name each file and place my targets appropriately within them. I selected choice keywords for use in my meta tags. All this had to be accomplished before I could even FTP any files :::What’s::: :::FTP?::: :::I::: :::didn’t::: :::know::: :::it::: :::existed,::: :::so::: :::I::: :::did::: :::it::: :::the::: :::old::: :::fashioned::: :::way::: :::by::: :::ascii::: :::file::: :::transferring::: :::everything::: to my servers

All the while, I had all of my favorite special interest groups, bulletin boards and email cravings :::okay::: :::I’m::: :::really::: :::addicted::: to satisfy.

I knew I had taken on too much, too soon, but I was on a roll and I couldn’t stop! How :::try::: :::willpower::: could I stop? Why :::quit::: :::while::: :::you’re::: :::ahead::: should I?

Suddenly I found that when I concentrated on designing the website, I wasn’t keeping up with the personal stuff, :::I::: :::was::: :::enjoying::: :::the::: :::break::: :::from::: :::reality::: like washing the dishes periodically, doing laundry or yardwork, spending quality time with the kids, cooking dinner… it seemed endless!

I was even leaving work early just to get online again — and I didn’t even work full time! Try supporting a family :::poor::: :::poor::: :::pitiful::: :::me::: on next to nothing!

I finally :::was::: :::humiliated::: came to my senses the other day, just before I went public with my announcement of my website’s grand opening.

One of my daughters :::confronted::: :::me::: asked if I had any friends. She said I was online all the time and didn’t see how I could possibly find the time for any of my real life :::what::: :::is::: :::reality?:::

Her comments brought to mind some of my recent :::okay::: :::all::: :::of::: :::them::: telephone conversations, where I asked my friends if I could call them back and BACK never happened!

How could MY children have far more :::they::: :::did::: :::it::: :::didn’t::: :::they?::: insight than me, the PARENT?

And what an insult! Can you believe that? How dare someone, my own child no less, make a comment that I had NO :::So::: :::who::: :::needs::: :::friends::: :::anyway?::: friendships?

Within days, I managed to go public with my website. Eight weeks of nearly constant late night work had finally paid :::don’t::: :::count::: :::your::: :::chickens::: :::before::: :::they::: :::hatch::: off!!

I anticipated enormous quantities of email once I registered my website’s url on most of the search engines.

I made a general announcement :::okay::: :::it::: :::was::: :::major::: :::spam::: to all of my friends and posted my website address on my local SIG’s and BBS’s.

Naturally I knew all of my friends would drop :::Not::: :::in::: :::this::: :::lifetime::: everything just to visit MY website!

I also knew that every time I logged online, my mailbox would be filled to capacity. So, in anticipation, I signed online every :::five::: :::minutes::: hour just to make sure my mailbox didn’t overflow!

I expected instant fame from the launch of my website. What a disappointment :::sniffle::: and it got worse :::sob::: :::sniff::: :::sniffle::: from there.

Two of my regular epals haven’t written to me since I just happened to mention my website, and I just don’t :::they::: :::have::: :::a::: :::life::: understand it.

One galpal couldn’t find the time to visit my website for four whole days after I told her about it!  FOUR days???? That’s an eternity :::its::: :::just::: :::four::: :::days::: :::for::: :::crying::: :::out::: :::loud::: in cybertime!

Needless to say :::so::: :::why::: :::say::: :::it?::: I was disheartened!

This is NOT :::H’yeah::: :::Right::: a pity party for Kathee.

Folks, :::sniffle::: :::sob::: :::sob::: this is just a straight from the heart, honest :::appeal::: :::to::: :::your::: :::compassionate::: :::emotions::: testimony to what I have been going through for 8 weeks of my life.

I was overwhelmed with an inflated :::ego::: perception of what would soon be the public’s response to the launch of my website. The grand finale would be my fame and glory, where I was finally recognized and I received the :::not::: well deserved appreciation from my peers. I was so PROUD :::pride::: :::comes::: :::before::: :::the::: :::fall::: of all the work I’d done!

I’ve mentioned in stories I’ve written about my kids that, “Great ideas sometimes backfire” :::ditto::: :::on::: :::the::: :::website!:::

These last two months have changed :::the::: :::way::: :::I::: :::live::: my life!

My previously adorable, petite :::in::: :::who’s :::opinion?::: little chassis is falling apart.

I now have a perpetual knot in my neck and constant numbness in my derriere that even a pillow :::try::: :::walking::: :::AWAY::: :::from::: :::the::: :::pc::: :::for::: :::awhile::: on my chair won’t help.

I think my secretary spread sprawled all over the place, and my back and shoulders have now :::only::: :::just:: :::now?::: taken on a hunchback-like appearance! I’ve even got the shakes where I once wiggled.

I’ve learned to function on just 4 hours of sleep per night thanks to the additional pots of coffee I am consuming nightly.

I am not too nice :::never::: :::was::: to be around anymore and it shows in my email to everyone!

One epal YELLED at me the other day. At first I thought it was more like a slight rise in their typewritten words… but I’ve since discovered that I’ve lost yet another epal through my :::normal::: erratic mood swings during this time.

I sure hope it’s temporary! I’ve lost all of my in real life :::you::: :::had::: :::a::: :::real::: :::life?::: friends. My email has gone down :::how:: :::much::: :::is::: :::50%::: :::of::: :::nothing?::: at least 50%.

Maybe this is all the result of the start of :::the::: :::change::: finally outgrowing these email relationships now that I have involved myself in the importance of my website?

It’d sure be nice if I had some legitimate :::or::: :::other::: :::lame::: excuse for my behaviors of late.

Now I’m going through the “letdown :::humbling::: experience” that they didn’t tell me about in the website instructions :::which::: :::I::: :::never::: :::read::: booklet.

If you ask me, I’ve finally made it to BURN-OUT, that awful, heinous deficiency :::you::: :::forgot::: :::already?::: that I mentioned at the start of this :::pathetic::: :::website::: :::creation::: story.

I think I’ll take a much needed :::gonna::: :::run::: :::away::: :::and::: :::hide::: vacation! See you folks next year sometime!

Gee, I bet I could have announced my vacation in just one sentence instead of this very long nonsensical piece of literary subliminal parody talent, :::Let’s::: :::take::: :::a::: :::vote::: :::on::: that::: :::talent::: but then that wouldn’t be me, now would it?

While I’m gone, maybe, just maybe my e-mailbox will :::crash::: overflow!

Whoops! There I go again, will I ever :::dream::: :::on::: learn?

Update 2005:  This story, among other addiction stories I worte and display on this site, prompted an interview about Internet Addiction on NBC’s Phoenix affiliate.  I was the star.  The interview aired on the 10 o’clock news. 

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

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Disclaimer: This parody on subliminal messages was written in good clean fun for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the definition of actual subliminal messages in the opinion of the author.

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