Unmentionables and Empty Promises

The frilly, lacy, feminine necessities we used to call foundations are expensive! I remember the days when one could purchase such items inexpensively at Sears. — The purchase price for my adorable “first” bra with the pink demure bow situated between the stretchy material they called “cups” was just $3. Inflation has killed those $3 days forever! Given that wages have increased proportionately, I suppose the prices are still relative but I am still overwhelmed each time I walk away from the sales checkout desk, having spent over a hundred dollars for three, maybe four brassieres!!

Prices for fancy panties are even more ridiculous! There is a direct correlation between the gauge of the material and price - the thinner the material, the higher the price. You should be able to make at least 50 pairs of panties for the price of one pre-made. I wonder why the market will bear these prices in the first place? Okay, I’m sure it’s a psychological thing. I mean, think about it for a moment… Do we really want to save our money in this particular area? We want to look our best… everywhere! How many of us would actually practice our Martha Stewart frugality to the point of making our own underwear? I’m certain that even if we did, we sure wouldn’t admit it!

Besides, if panties were made to last forever — no woman would be caught dead in them!

This brings to mind Mother’s well intended advice, “Be sure to wear your best underwear when you go out — you never know when you’ll be hit by a truck!” Now do you think I’d actually worry about what my unmentionables looked like… afterwards??

Whenever I finally break down and purchase new bras and panties, hereinafter referred to as unmentionables, I make BIG promises to myself. This time — “I will hand wash my unmentionables to extend their life.”

About once per week, I gently wash each piece in the bathroom sink. Afterwards, I hang them over the shower curtain rod to dry. On the occasion that I run out of rod room, I use some added ingenuity. Did you know you can utilize the doorknobs around the house by hanging the straps over the knobs? Open various cabinets around the house and you can also hang your other unmentionables, two or three per door, depending on size. Experience has taught me that its best to wring them well prior to hanging. You don’t want to warp your cabinet doors in the drip drying process!

This plan works well for the first laundering, maybe the second, third tops. There are just too many variables involved with hand laundering. Take time for one …

Since my unmentionables are often scattered around the house, I must plan for the extra time to find them each morning before I dress. It’s especially stressful to oversleep, plus find time to secure unmentionables for the day.

Once time has taken its toll on me, its a given that I get behind on my laundry. I have a feeling this is why washing machines were invented for women in the first place!

“Okay, just this one time, I will wash my unmentionables on the “gentle” cycle of my washing machine. Why else would my washing machine have a gentle cycle, were it not intended to protect my delicate items, right?” I promise myself that “even though I have placed them inside my washing machine, I will never place them in the dryer.”

Again, this new plan works well if you can only manage to stay on top of your laundry.

Then comes the day you discover to your horror that you have no unmentionables left on any of your drying surfaces. A fRaNtIc check of your dresser drawers won’t even yield a tattered, worn, or ratty old pair. You panic, you have a decision to make. There are only three options. One is unthinkable, so you ponder the remaining question … “Do I or don’t I wear unmentionables today”? You glance at the clock and note with amazement that each tick coincidentally matches your own heartbeat. The adrenaline rush becomes overwhelming. You finally deduce you only have the time to quickly hand wash them prior to jetting out of the house to get to work on time. There is no time to machine wash them, much less dry them — even if you made an allowance for using the dryer “just this one time.”

So … qUiCk tHiNkiNg like we women do in cases of urgency, we put on wet (but at least they’re clean) unmentionables!

If its summertime in Arizona, wearing wet unmentionables is nothing! You’re usually completely dry by the time you get to work. And if you aren’t, your colleagues will understandably assume you’re just sweating profusely in … those … areas.

During the colder months, the wearing of wet unmentionables can be an all day experience! You might succeed in arriving to work looking fairly normal. You pray your unmentionables don’t begin to drip dry down your legs as you walk into your office building. You wait to remove your coat until you are alone and safely in the confines of your cubicle. You begin your day’s tasks and hope for no personal interruptions. By the time you have sat at your desk for awhile, your wet unmentionables have had their opportunity to soak through your clothing.

It’s break time already! You arise from your desk and take a quick peek. Glancing down awkwardly, you see no change in the color of your clothing so you assume its safe to leave. You proceed to walk out of your office and head toward the coffee room. You watch as the heads slowly turn one by one in the domino effect as you pass your colleagues. It becomes apparent now that you are displaying the wet markings where your unmentionables would be situated. Although it’s kind of the same as wearing a wet T-shirt, in the workplace it’s just not quite as acceptable! You imagine the spectacle you’ve set for yourself as you try to hide your embarrassment under the mask of ignorance. You can hear the women’s catty remarks now as they whisper, “Who does she think she is … anyway?” You know they’ll never buy the “you’re just sweating profusely in … those … areas” in the cold of winter! So … you just hold your head high and make your enemies where you will. After all, who ever said it was easy working with women?!

Upon arriving home you decide that there has got to be a better way to handle this new dilemma. You have to get along with your colleagues. You backslide on your promises and decide, “What harm can it be if I just use the washer and the dryer just for emergencies?”.

The first wash and dry yield almost perfect unmentionables. “You know, the machines were invented for a purpose — those delicate cycles really do work!” I chuckle to myself, delighted with my new discovery.

You begin to start putting the unmentionables in with your regular laundry for both the wash and the dry cycles, but “just for this once” …

The first time or two, the unmentionables come out looking brand new. Well, except for the minor adjustment to the under wire. An outward tug here and a little bend backward there and you almost have a perfectly symmetrical cup again! A quick stitch or two right under there and those panties will hold themselves together for the rest of the day. Off to work you go.

In time, relaxing your washing and drying techniques makes you even lazier. Soon, you throw your unmentionables in with the load of whites. And the bleach. Okay, so the bras have yellowed a wee bit, but the panties look kinda cute — isn’t the tie-dyed effect coming back into style?

It’s those little washtime emergencies each week that can really kill your unmentionables. Before too long, you are agonizing over your next $300 purchase for just a week’s worth of unmentionables.

On your drive home, you find yourself making the same empty promises again. “This time I will hand wash my unmentionables.” H’yeah right!