Life Story Writing

Thinkers Anonymous

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, ” I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…” “I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!” “But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.”

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Author Unknown

Technorati Tags: Addiction, funny, funny jokes, Humor, jokes

“Well, Kathee, just BE the best darned Black Sheep of the family that YOU CAN BE!”

It gave me such peace of mind that I finally quit my sessions after just 25 years! I’m on my own now … a little shaky at the start; you know, taking those first little baby steps …

And you know what? I even LIKE being the best darned black sheep of the family now!

I’ll bet my therapist won’t be coming up with many more words of wisdom like this for his clients or he’ll be out of business, eh?

Silly Humor

The Drunk Poem
* * Starkle, starkle, little twink, *
* * *
* Who the hell are you I think. * *
* * *
* * I’m not under what you call *
* * *
* The alcofluence of incohol. * *
* * *
* * I’m just a little slort of sheep, *
* * *
* I’m not drunk like thinkle peep. * *
* * *
* * I don’t know who is me yet, *
* * *
* But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. *
* * * * *
* * So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, *
* * * *
* ‘Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. * *
* * * * *

The True Alcoholic
Did you hear the one about the alcoholic who was stranded on a desert island?

He found a bottle floating near the shore. When he opened it, out popped a genie; his salvation!

The genie said, “I’ll grant you two wishes”, to which the alcoholic replied quickly with his first wish, “I’d like a never ending bottle of whiskey.” The genie immediately complies with his wishes and provides him a with never ending bottle. When asked what his second wish would be, the alcoholic replied, after careful consideration, “I’ll have another never ending bottle of whiskey!”

The Newest 12-Step Group
Have you heard about the latest 12 step group for compulsive talkers?

It’s called … On and On Anon.

Technorati Tags: 12 step, 12 Step Humor, Addiction, funny, funny jokes, jokes, Silly Humor, Silly Stories, twelve step, Twelve Step Humor

A Parody: This parody is interspersed with subliminal messages. The title of this subliminal parody is “Subliminal :::a::: :::dead::: :::giveaway,::: :::dontcha::: :::think?::: Messages”. Any text :::subliminally::: displayed in :::this::: :::style::: :::format::: is a subliminal message.

(LSW circa August 1996) I can’t believe I have fallen victim to this heinous deficiency.  Me, the :::dysfunctional::: disciplined one, the one who has policies for everything, rules for my policies, anticipatory procedures for prospective dilemmas and exceptions to all of the above!

Once upon a time, I was a responsible homemaker. Then came the Internet and that’s when it all :::started::: :::long::: :::before::: :::that::: began…

No, folks, this is NOT another addiction story! I’ve written enough of those stories to convince you all that I really do have a :::major::: slight problem. Okay, I confess to somewhat compulsive behavior, but really, :::certainly::: :::not::: :::me::: is anyone perfect?

I got a brainstorm way back in June, 1996, just one month after I obtained my first email account. I thought it’d be fun to have my very own website so I could :::show::: :::off::: display the stories I’ve written.

I didn’t even know the first thing about the wide world web! The Internet was awesome to me, but I just couldn’t quite grasp its concept. I wanted to explore it, crawl inside it, but didn’t know why :::it::: :::was::: :::infinite?::: I felt that way.

So I embarked on my new campaign. I needed to learn about this thing they call the world wide web. I was so :::clueless::: overwhelmed with it all and I complained a wee bit at first because there was so much to learn! What a fascinating subject and I was very anxious to explore all that I could!!  My enthusiasm was showing! Then I had a :::braindead::: brainstorm as to what I would put up there, wherever there happened to be!

I :::compulsively::: had to get online constantly and work like crazy to ensure that the index page and my stories were laid out attractively.

I had to learn simple html code and test each link to to be sure they all went where I directed them to. I had to name each file and place my targets appropriately within them. I selected choice keywords for use in my meta tags. All this had to be accomplished before I could even FTP any files :::What’s::: :::FTP?::: :::I::: :::didn’t::: :::know::: :::it::: :::existed,::: :::so::: :::I::: :::did::: :::it::: :::the::: :::old::: :::fashioned::: :::way::: :::by::: :::ascii::: :::file::: :::transferring::: :::everything::: to my servers

All the while, I had all of my favorite special interest groups, bulletin boards and email cravings :::okay::: :::I’m::: :::really::: :::addicted::: to satisfy.

I knew I had taken on too much, too soon, but I was on a roll and I couldn’t stop! How :::try::: :::willpower::: could I stop? Why :::quit::: :::while::: :::you’re::: :::ahead::: should I?

Suddenly I found that when I concentrated on designing the website, I wasn’t keeping up with the personal stuff, :::I::: :::was::: :::enjoying::: :::the::: :::break::: :::from::: :::reality::: like washing the dishes periodically, doing laundry or yardwork, spending quality time with the kids, cooking dinner… it seemed endless!

I was even leaving work early just to get online again — and I didn’t even work full time! Try supporting a family :::poor::: :::poor::: :::pitiful::: :::me::: on next to nothing!

I finally :::was::: :::humiliated::: came to my senses the other day, just before I went public with my announcement of my website’s grand opening.

One of my daughters :::confronted::: :::me::: asked if I had any friends. She said I was online all the time and didn’t see how I could possibly find the time for any of my real life :::what::: :::is::: :::reality?:::

Her comments brought to mind some of my recent :::okay::: :::all::: :::of::: :::them::: telephone conversations, where I asked my friends if I could call them back and BACK never happened!

How could MY children have far more :::they::: :::did::: :::it::: :::didn’t::: :::they?::: insight than me, the PARENT?

And what an insult! Can you believe that? How dare someone, my own child no less, make a comment that I had NO :::So::: :::who::: :::needs::: :::friends::: :::anyway?::: friendships?

Within days, I managed to go public with my website. Eight weeks of nearly constant late night work had finally paid :::don’t::: :::count::: :::your::: :::chickens::: :::before::: :::they::: :::hatch::: off!!

I anticipated enormous quantities of email once I registered my website’s url on most of the search engines.

I made a general announcement :::okay::: :::it::: :::was::: :::major::: :::spam::: to all of my friends and posted my website address on my local SIG’s and BBS’s.

Naturally I knew all of my friends would drop :::Not::: :::in::: :::this::: :::lifetime::: everything just to visit MY website!

I also knew that every time I logged online, my mailbox would be filled to capacity. So, in anticipation, I signed online every :::five::: :::minutes::: hour just to make sure my mailbox didn’t overflow!

I expected instant fame from the launch of my website. What a disappointment :::sniffle::: and it got worse :::sob::: :::sniff::: :::sniffle::: from there.

Two of my regular epals haven’t written to me since I just happened to mention my website, and I just don’t :::they::: :::have::: :::a::: :::life::: understand it.

One galpal couldn’t find the time to visit my website for four whole days after I told her about it!  FOUR days???? That’s an eternity :::its::: :::just::: :::four::: :::days::: :::for::: :::crying::: :::out::: :::loud::: in cybertime!

Needless to say :::so::: :::why::: :::say::: :::it?::: I was disheartened!

This is NOT :::H’yeah::: :::Right::: a pity party for Kathee.

Folks, :::sniffle::: :::sob::: :::sob::: this is just a straight from the heart, honest :::appeal::: :::to::: :::your::: :::compassionate::: :::emotions::: testimony to what I have been going through for 8 weeks of my life.

I was overwhelmed with an inflated :::ego::: perception of what would soon be the public’s response to the launch of my website. The grand finale would be my fame and glory, where I was finally recognized and I received the :::not::: well deserved appreciation from my peers. I was so PROUD :::pride::: :::comes::: :::before::: :::the::: :::fall::: of all the work I’d done!

I’ve mentioned in stories I’ve written about my kids that, “Great ideas sometimes backfire” :::ditto::: :::on::: :::the::: :::website!:::

These last two months have changed :::the::: :::way::: :::I::: :::live::: my life!

My previously adorable, petite :::in::: :::who’s :::opinion?::: little chassis is falling apart.

I now have a perpetual knot in my neck and constant numbness in my derriere that even a pillow :::try::: :::walking::: :::AWAY::: :::from::: :::the::: :::pc::: :::for::: :::awhile::: on my chair won’t help.

I think my secretary spread sprawled all over the place, and my back and shoulders have now :::only::: :::just:: :::now?::: taken on a hunchback-like appearance! I’ve even got the shakes where I once wiggled.

I’ve learned to function on just 4 hours of sleep per night thanks to the additional pots of coffee I am consuming nightly.

I am not too nice :::never::: :::was::: to be around anymore and it shows in my email to everyone!

One epal YELLED at me the other day. At first I thought it was more like a slight rise in their typewritten words… but I’ve since discovered that I’ve lost yet another epal through my :::normal::: erratic mood swings during this time.

I sure hope it’s temporary! I’ve lost all of my in real life :::you::: :::had::: :::a::: :::real::: :::life?::: friends. My email has gone down :::how:: :::much::: :::is::: :::50%::: :::of::: :::nothing?::: at least 50%.

Maybe this is all the result of the start of :::the::: :::change::: finally outgrowing these email relationships now that I have involved myself in the importance of my website?

It’d sure be nice if I had some legitimate :::or::: :::other::: :::lame::: excuse for my behaviors of late.

Now I’m going through the “letdown :::humbling::: experience” that they didn’t tell me about in the website instructions :::which::: :::I::: :::never::: :::read::: booklet.

If you ask me, I’ve finally made it to BURN-OUT, that awful, heinous deficiency :::you::: :::forgot::: :::already?::: that I mentioned at the start of this :::pathetic::: :::website::: :::creation::: story.

I think I’ll take a much needed :::gonna::: :::run::: :::away::: :::and::: :::hide::: vacation! See you folks next year sometime!

Gee, I bet I could have announced my vacation in just one sentence instead of this very long nonsensical piece of literary subliminal parody talent, :::Let’s::: :::take::: :::a::: :::vote::: :::on::: that::: :::talent::: but then that wouldn’t be me, now would it?

While I’m gone, maybe, just maybe my e-mailbox will :::crash::: overflow!

Whoops! There I go again, will I ever :::dream::: :::on::: learn?

Update 2005:  This story, among other addiction stories I worte and display on this site, prompted an interview about Internet Addiction on NBC’s Phoenix affiliate.  I was the star.  The interview aired on the 10 o’clock news. 

~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~

Search terms that might be used to reach this page are: brainy, cerebral, clairvoyant, deep, heavy, ideological, imaginative, immaterial, inner, intellective, intellectual, mysterious, phrenic, psychic, psychical, psychological, rational, reasoning, savvy, spiritual, subconscious, subjective, subliminal, telepathic, thinking, thinking, thoughtful, unreal, hidden, inmost, inner, intuitive, latent, mental, repressed, suppressed, unconscious, essence, mind, psyche, soul, subconsciousness, subliminal self, submerged mind, underconsciousness, undersense, accidental, automatic, gut, ignorant, inadvertent, inattentive, inherent, innate, instinctive, involuntary, latent, lost, reflex, repressed, subconscious, subconscious, suppressed, unaware, uncalculated, undeliberate, unheeding, unintended, unintentional, unmindful, unpremeditated, unrealized, unwitting.

Disclaimer: This parody on subliminal messages was written in good clean fun for entertainment purposes and in no way reflects the definition of actual subliminal messages in the opinion of the author.

Technorati Tags: parody, subliminal messages

Very effective television commercials are now running on television, brought to us many times daily by Arizona’s finest …The Department of Health Services.

Let me tell you, their advertising works! I even got the quote memorized by the 83rd commercial! To add a little more to their advertising effect, while I was still smoking, I decided that I would start putting my butts in a 3 pound coffee can on the back patio and see just how much I smoked.

Well, the can is full now. It only took a month or so. It stinks to high heaven too.

Day 1:
Last night I finished my last cigarette.

The time has come to quit the lies… telling myself this is the last pack of cigarettes I’ll buy; telling myself that I’ll quit this weekend; telling myself I’ll quit on Monday … the list of lies are endless!

I stayed up late last night (3:00 a.m.), so I’d get through half of my first day by sleeping.

So, I wake up promptly at 5:00 a.m. I toss and turn, hoping to fall back to sleep knowing that if I get up, I might be tempted to rush to the store to buy my *last* pack of cigarettes again.

They know me at the little mom and pop store around the corner. I’ve been trading there for the last 28 years. My favorite clerk always says, “One or two packs today, Kathee?” (Oops! I lied again. Did I say I only buy one pack at a time? I must have meant I only smoke one pack at a time!)

Today is going to be different. I will stay in bed all day long if that’s what it takes to not smoke!

So, I’m laying there, my tummy is growling, and I tell myself that I need nourishment. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of Wheaties. I finish breakfast and it sets in. Oh-no, I need my after meal cigarette now.

I have made up my mind that I will not buy anymore cigarettes. My mind is desperate to find the truth in what I’ve been telling it. “I will not buy anymore cigarettes, I will not buy anymore cigarettes.”

By this time I’m out on the back patio. I will not buy anymore cigarettes. I will not buy anymore cigarettes.

I’m rummaging through that 3 pound coffee can on the back patio. I’m not buying anymore cigarettes, I tell myself again and again.

Wow! I’ve just found the longest darned cigarette butt I’ve EVER seen in my life. Its almost whole!! I straighten the butt out to make it easier to light. “Gee, it sure stinks,” I tell myself as I light it. I’m thinking out loud now, “I ought’a go get some of those fine smelling ones at the store…”

“NO!” I holler. “This was just a little slip, I will not buy anymore cigarettes.”

I finish all the decent butts in the can by the first hour. Now I’m working on the mediocre butts in the can. They are worse than the longish butts. I only get a hit or two off of each mediocre butt. I’m getting a little queasy and dizzy now. I’ve smoked the equivalent of 4-5 cigarettes and they are the WORST darned cigarettes I’ve ever tasted!!

I go back to bed, satisfied that I’m not going to buy any more cigarettes.

It’s 2:00 p.m., the house is HOT. My heart is beating to sound of “psycho” music in my mind. “I’m NOT going to buy anymore cigarettes.” I’m determined. I get up and decide the time has come to…cheat.

NO, I’m not going to buy anymore cigarettes.

I reach for the blister pack of Nicorette I purchased at the drug store … just in case. I’m frustrated, I can’t get that piece of gum out fast enough. I cry. I beat on the bed.

It’s 8 p.m. Maybe it’s safe to come out of my room. I come out for a little more nourishment. After eating I RUSH back to the solitude of my room.

I begin the mourning process. I cry. I beat on the bed. I’ve lost my best friend. I’ve had 16 pieces of Nicorette today. My throat is sore. The consolation is not so bad.

Day 2:
It’s morning time. It’s mourning time again. I cry. I beat on the bed. I’ve lost my best friend. I reach for the Nicorette to sooth my desires. By now, I’ve learned to use the scissors to get the blister pack open. Why be frustrated? I cry some more. I get ready for work. I cry during the commute. I cry at work. I beat my boss. He understands. I only chew 15 pieces today. I’m getting better.

Day 3:
It’s morning time. Is it mourning time again? I wake up somewhat refreshed. I’m not coughing up that puking phlegm today. I am noticing a difference. I feel sorta’ good. It’s a bluebird day!

I get to work and the boss and I have a little talk. He’s happy with my work, he likes my new attitude. I’ve told him I want to be the worse EX-Smoker that he ever did see! He says that’s fine, but the beatings must stop. I agree.

Today’s Nicorette count: 12 … impressive.

Day 4:
It’s morning time. The wheezing I’m accustomed to is not there. I mourn the loss of my old best friend, but memories are all that I have. I start remembering the good times. UH-OH! I’m getting weak again.

Fondly, I remember my old best friend always being there for me. When I’d lose a significant other in my life, my old best friend was there for me. When I’d celebrate a special occasion with my family, my old best friend was there. When I’d feel lonely, my old best friend was there. Geez, my old best friend was there through thick and thin. Why am I giving up on my old best friend?

I reach for the Nicorette again.

Ahhhhhhhhh, all better now as my old best friend’s memory begins to fade. I only used 7 pieces of Nicorette today. This is good. I’m getting better. I’m starting to think I am pretty good. A bad sign.

My new motto: Cigarettes are the ENEMY.

Day 5:
I have no physical desire for a cigarette. I DO have a VERY emotional desire this morning. I reach for the Nicorette. I decide I should do a little more mourning. I chew, I sob just a little, I bounce up and down on the bed.

This really isn’t quite so bad. I will make it! Just 5, count’em FIVE pieces of Nicorette today!

Day 6:
I wake up in a good mood. My mouth doesn’t smell like an ashtray anymore! I smell a DISGUSTING STENCH on a good looking man at the store today. Too bad he smokes … we could have had a future together.

Am sticking to my daily 5 Nicorettes for awhile. I tried 4 today but had to wake up in the middle of the night for another fix.

Day 7:
Wow, I have a birthday. Seven days, one day at a time. (more like one hour at a time!!) I repeat my new motto over and over again EVERY moment of the day.

Cigarettes are the ENEMY.

My boss looks at me like this —-> =8-O every time I chant my new motto at work. But … he understands. He almost didn’t hire me last year because I was a smoker. He really likes the new me.

Day 8-30:
I stick with my 5 pieces of Nicorette daily. I want to play it safe. Somedays, I forget and just chew 3.

People look at me differently. Could it be my new motto? Could it be my new aroma?

Could it be my new song? I’m particularly fond of the song of “I Feel Good” by James Brown. So when I think of how great I feel now that I’ve finally crossed over that line to NON-Smoker status, I sing it quite a bit. They just don’t know why I’m singing it these days.

“W-o-o-o-o-o-o-! I fe-e-e-e-e-l good, I knew that I wouldn’t of…I fe-e-e-e-l good, I knew that I wouldn’t of … so good, so good (drums rolling …) YEAH!

Day 31:
I woke up and forgot to take a piece of Nicorette. It was 9:00 p.m. before I realized I hadn’t had a piece yet. Wow, should I take one for old times sake? Naw! I’ll just go to bed. I’m always better when I sleep. Don’t notice the desire so much.

Day 32:
Got it licked. I think the tars have left my system. It’s been two days since I’ve had a piece of Nicorette. By golly, that ‘ol nicotine is leaving my system now too. I keep Nicorette on hand for emergencies, but the psychological thing was the worst part of my journey to becoming smoke habit-free.

Just remember, if I can quit … YOU CAN TOO!

You can email me if you go into mourning over cigarettes and I can be the first to remind you that cigarettes were NEVER your best friend.

Cigarettes ARE the enemy … and don’t you forget it!

Technorati Tags: Addiction, cigarettes, quit smoking, smoking, smoking cessation, tobacco

Overcomers Outreach is a fellowship of men and women who have been affected either directly or indirectly by the abuse of alcohol, any mood-altering chemicals or compulsive behaviors. They believe that as they look to a loving God for help, and put into practice those principles for living which He has given in HIS WORD, they shall find both the strength and freedom they need to live productive and happy lives. They strongly believe that their “higher power” is Jesus Christ, their Savior and Lord. Their five-fold purpose, based directly upon the Word of God is set forth as follows: 1) to provide fellowship in recovery 2) to be & to live reconciled to God and His family 3) to gain a better understanding of addictions 4) to be built up and strengthened in their faith in Christ 5) to render dedicated service to others who are suffering as they once suffered.

They hold no corporate opinions concerning politics, economics, race, philosophy, science or any other matter not immediately bearing upon their recovery. While they do believe that Jesus is the Christ, the resurrected and living Son of God, they hold no corporate view concerning denominational preference.

They practice the suggested recovery program of AA, Al-Anon and other 12 step groups because they believe these to be the practical application of these life-changing principles which are so clearly set forth in the Scriptures.

They welcome anyone who has a desire to stay clean and sober, anyone who has a desire to rise above the pain and turmoil engendered by the addiction of a loved one, anyone wishing to break the bondage of compulsive behavior, anyone who is not opposed to their general method of recovery. They are there to share their experience, strength and hope with one another. The loving support and genuine caring of fellow members, coupled with daily prayer and the reading of Scripture, prepares them to experience total serenity in Christ, no matter what their outward circumstances might be. Attendance at additional 12 step groups is encouraged. They are dedicated to the principles of anonymity and confidentiality. They regard anonymity and confidences of other members zealously. Nothing said in their discussions will leave that room in any form. Gossip has no place among them, nor will they share these discussions with outside prayer lists.

Their common welfare must come first. Their leaders are chosen not to govern but to serve. There is only one authority in their group – Jesus Christ, as He expresses His love among them.

For more information, contact Overcomers Outreach.

Technorati Tags: Addiction, Christians in Recovery, Overcomers Outreach, recovery

Ten out of ten people die, so don’t take life too seriously.

Be profound, funny or quiet.

After you talk in a meeting, listen to hear if you said anything.

I don’t need your help today…. Love, God.

Our sickness is between our ears.

Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans.

Don’t expect to learn about people from books; a person can’t fit in a bookcase.

Now I can wake up and say, “Good morning, God!” rather than “Good God, it’s morning!”

When I turned myself over to God, I took my life out of the hands of an idiot.

When the world comes to an end, it will do so without my permission.

If you pray for a Cadillac and God sends a jackass, ride it.

There’s no one too dumb for this program, but it’s possible to be too smart.

All I wanted was to control you, myself and everything else.

My disease is an elephant. As long as I remember it’s there, I won’t get stepped on.

Try praying. Nothing pleases God more than to hear a strange voice.

Reality can be hell when you’re only visiting.

God save me from myself.

We’re all here because we’re not all here.

Constructive criticism: I tell you what’s wrong with you.

Destructive criticism: You tell me what is wrong with me.

My mind is out to get me.

I need to get the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.

Come to ninety meetings in ninety days. If you’re not satisfied, we’ll refund your misery.

Things I turn over to God most easily are those things already fixed.

EGO: Easing God Out

God has never been a problem in my life, but I have been a problem to God all my life.

I know that I’m not yet the person I can be, but I thank God I’m not the person I used to be.

If you think you’re happy, you are. If you think you’re wise, you’re not.

When I don’t have expectations of others, anything positive they do is a pleasant surprise.

I can borrow trouble only at high interest rates.

Technorati Tags: 12 step, AA

I first knew I had a problem when I decided to clean under my television set, having not moved it in three years … and I found a piece of pizza under it. I didn’t have any kids at the time, so I KNEW it had to be ME.

I bought a new refrigerator a few years ago and the ice cube trays were imprinted with “Dishwasher Safe” and I thought to myself … you WASH them?

My ceiling fan broke and my husband replaced it for me. When he removed the fan, I noticed that the blades were caked with a half inch of dust! Who’da thunk?? Wouldn’t you think that with those blades whirling around all day long … that the dust would have nothing to hold on to and fly right off the blades?

My Kirby vacuum salesman performed a demonstration on my bed (keep your thoughts clean folks!) and showed me all the scuz that came out of my mattress. Sheesh, during leaner times, I can remember spraying Lysol on the sheets to freshen them between washings … just so I could go another week without having to launder the bedding! But …who’d ever think of vacuuming their mattress!! Worse yet, who’d think there was ANYthing lurking beneath them while they slept?!?!

When I ran out of Comet I’d use my little green pot scrubber to clean the kitchen sink. I discovered that it did a perfect job of looking clean and I have saved money all these years on cleanser. Never did I realize that we CLEAN the sink to disinfect it … not just to get the food down the drain or the marks off the porcelain.

I’d damp mop the kitchen floor with just plain water … and then bravely walk barefoot into the kitchen for my mid-night snacks. I gave no second thought as to what kind of bacteria I’d bring back with me as I crawled back into my bed.

I never vacuumed my curtains … much less dry cleaned or laundered them! When they got dirty enough, I just replaced them with vinyl blinds. They were easy to clean — I also found that the garden hose worked GREAT to remove dust and grime. It was best if you took the blinds outdoors to do this, unless of course, you wanted to clean carpets at the same time!

Since I never opened my drapes, I only cleaned my windows the day I did my geographics and moved. I never got fingerprints on the windows while living there, and the overhangs protected the windows from the outside elements, so why would one have to CLEAN them at all, unless moving?

I’d get surfacitis all the time and THINK my house was clean if I could SEE that nothing was out of place on the surfaces. I was not clean inside and out. It was the underneaths I had a problem with.

Underneath the couch, underneath the cushions, underneath the ‘fridge, underneath the bed, underneath the computer. Then there were the behinds. Behind the furniture, behind the curtains, behind the linens, behind the washer and dryer, behind the dog dishes, behind my collection of plastic shopping bags on the bottom of the pantry closet.

I finally “hit bottom” when I got around to cleaning out the plastic shopping bags. I had about 2 years worth collecting in my pantry. I couldn’t get any more bags shoved into my closet. Try as I did, they just wouldn’t budge. I was afraid to throw them away. I just knew there would be a need for them just as soon as I got rid of them.

I finally decided enough was enough. I had “had it” with the clutter in my life. So I proceeded to make an attempt to free the bags from their wedge in the closet. I got out a lawn and leaf bag to throw them into. I knew they’d expand just as soon as I started yanking them out of the closet. That’s when I discovered IT and I was mortified…

How could it be? Why hadn’t I EVER noticed it before? I’m so ashamed! I can hardly face you as I speak these words.

Right in the midst of all of the plastic bages, there was a whole bag of withered up potatoes! It was so disgusting folks, I had no idea how long they had been there! After I regained my senses … I KNEW there had to be some major changes in my life.

Well, that’s all behind me now. The first step was to ADMIT I had a problem. Then came the steps toward getting BETTER. I signed up with my local FreeNet … AzTeC and searched frantically for a housework challenged discussion group that I could call my “home” group. I’m so thankful I have found HCH, somewhere to go where I am finally understood. Where I’m accepted. Where I can share with others who are just like me.

I’m here tonight … by the grace of God … to share my experience, strength and hope with you all.

You’ve heard some of my “experiences” tonight folks. I put all my “strength” in my higher power, which today is ANY one of you who makes me be accountable. Keeps me in line. Gives me suggestions. Encourages me when I’m slipping. Offers shortcuts. Shows me how to maintain any sort of decent, clean, neat and orderly semblance in my home.

My “hope” is that you all will help.

Technorati Tags: Addiction, homemaker, Homemaking, housework

I keep telling myself… that I don’t have a problem, that I’m not really addicted to the net.
The evidence is there. All signs point to it. But I just don’t want to believe it — much less admit to it!

Where else can one go to meet intelligent, interesting and funny people (or at least the 2500 or so that I know). People with faces glued to their monitors (like me!), ignoring all the warnings too! Ignoring their painfully full bladders; swollen tongues — stuck to the roof of their parched mouths; their aching, dry bloodshot eyes, and perpetually numb butts! All patiently enduring it all until their desires have been satisfied by typing away at breakneck speeds for hours on end!

Where else can you go to find total anonymity … where one can cyberflirt eternally, say things one would not EVER consider in real life and all without the restraints (or guilt) associated with the real world?

My gosh, this IS the place where our imaginations BECOME our real world! We’re ALL perfect … I see them :::us::: all very clearly each time I write:

The men, with their broad to-die-for shoulders, rippling abs, bulging bi and triceps, tight little buns, and their oh so silky soft chest hair!

The women, although I’m not envious in the slightest, are pampering their size 4 “Bally Total Fitness” bods, with their teeny tiny 22 inch waists, uplifted derrieres and perky little firm-beyond-belief bosoms!

None of us suffer from that which the ordinary in-real-life person does, i.e.., body odor, wrinkles, cellulite. None of us wear glasses, much less bifocals! And of course we don’t have dandruff, hangnails, bunions, or EVER suffer from dare I say it … flatulence!

:::Picture This:::

I’ve just gotten off of work. It’s 3 o’clock. I’ve already vowed not to sign online until after 9 p.m. I impatiently pace back and forth in front of my computer desk. Yes, the heart’s ‘a racing again!

The kids are not home from school yet, my heart’s beating hard enough to tip the Richter scale … the anticipation of it all! I know I’ll get more mail today than I’ve EVER gotten in a lifetime. I can just see their names, imagining who I’ve got new mail from. The ecstasy of it all! “You have new mail”, the message says upon signon.

Could it be from my crazy galpal who gets bored every day and plays connect the dots on her keyboard and sends me samples of her artwork, or my Number One e-fan who searches day and night for gold on all my trips to the mine? Maybe it’ll be Etern_0_Flirt, trying once again to make me blush! Or just maybe Mommy Dearest will find time for me — she doesn’t have a cyberproblem either!

I’m in seventh heaven one more time! To overcome this condition of mine, I quickly go lock the front door and pull the blinds. I assure myself (three times real fas-s-s-t) that I am not addicted and can quit A N Y T I M E … I want to! Once absolutely convinced, I happily sign on and click my way through the menus to get to my mail.

After the first hour of weeding through that mail of mine, I must re-log onto my freenet. Drat that one hour time limit! My real surroundings dimmed significantly within the first two minutes.

The kids came home, waited around long enough and finally relented and made their own dinner yet again. I’m oblivious to the heat in the kitchen, not realizing until well after midnight that they’ve left the oven on broil again!

Sheesh, I was so unaware of my surroundings that I thought one of the kids was always in the bathroom since the door was continuously shut for a week straight … but only because the toilet was stopped up! I never even noticed the additional activity in my own bathroom since I can never seem to find the time to visit. I’ve been so pre-occupied with the computer and the business at hand, that I hadn’t noticed the new odor in the house … well geez, it didn’t smell like death so I figured we were all okay. I just assumed …

Well at least I’m home with the family! Doesn’t *THAT* count for something?? I’m doing what’s right by them! I’m here! Yes, I do spend a lot of time on line per day … but thank goodness that there are 24 hours in each day! I am, however, submitting a recommendation that we move to 48 hours per day thus saving having to work for a living down to 6 months per year.

Ahhhhhh! What a life!

Then I could spend even MORE time on line … uh-no, er, gee, I-I could free up the computer for the rest of the family … as any thoughtful, dedicated mother would do!

Technorati Tags: Addiction, comedy, computer, computer addict, computer addiction, Computer addicts, computers, funny, Funny Stories, Humor, humour, jokes, stories